Self-awareness

Reflection, how much is too much?

Here I am, sticking my face in front of a computer in an internet cafe, attempting to write something, reflect on something.

As a matter of fact, I have been in that reflecting mode for nearly a year, and I am mentally exhausted, like a zombie. Or, like my friend puts it, in “a limbo state”.

I trade off living for reflecting

 

These pictures are memories of my trip for 3 days in Lan Ha bay, my second home. It was ecstatic: 3 people in a private boat in which I had the choice to tell the captain to go wherever and do whatever. With books, tea, wine, coffee, fresh food and nothing but endless emerald water and ultimate peace surrounding us, everything seemed surreal. We just came out, lay in the sun, sipped coffee, talked about anything and everything, and when the time comes, taking kayak for a venture out.

It was cold then, I remembered the feeling of wrapping the green scarf around my neck and seeing my breath turning foggy in the chilly winter weather. Everything was fresh and real, and I enjoyed it not picturing how I would write about it later.

 

sa pa

Or when I was in Sa Pa with volunteer friends just enjoying things without trying to make much sense of what we are doing. There is pure beauty of not thinking.

It was lively then. I was not thinking about anything, not reflecting anything. I was purely enjoying whatever surrounding. Just chill.

Somehow, I cannot do it anymore. I lose my ability to truly relax.

Reflection- from being healthy to being sick

I started writing about a year ago when the accumulation of impulses brought me trouble with family and study. So I went from a person who is totally spontaneous to someone who hesitate in doing anything.

Based on past experiences, I project it to everything I am about to do and every person I meet. Somehow I have the feeling I have lived enough for a lifetime and the rest is just the drag of it. I become conservative and solid too early. No, I haven’t traveled the world, but somehow I feel it should be over and I have tasted enough.Though I still enjoy simple existential pleasures like eating and sleeping, I really lost the desire or ambition on anything.

I am not actively looking for job.

I drop people I care about easily, not chasing them.

I try to make sense of everything and be overwhelmed by it.

I quit before even starting. In fact, I am scared of engaging in anything.

Everything seems meaningless.

I spend most of my time reflecting and not living. I question people’s motives before spending time with them, and I basically see no point in working for anyone. It puts me in an endless paralysis. I cannot count how many mornings I wake up and just want to lay in bed all day long, hoping to be immersed in an endless dream. I don’t know where I want to live: I have been living in islands, mountains, cities, with all the bliss those places bring. I have met enough interesting people to be grateful for. I am torn between traditional values and open Western values, with their own confusion. “What next?“question scares me.

I see no point in anything

sapa hope center

This is taken from Sapa Hope Center. Normally, anthropology entities like this thrill me. Yet I have spent a sweet time there and I am afraid that when I come back, I will ask questions:

– Why am I here?
– Why are these people here?
– What do they expect?
– What is really happening?

The more questions I ask and the more I find out, the more meaningless things seem to me and I cannot raise a finger to involve in anything with pure enthusiasm and energy like ever before. I want to see “the big picture” and at the same time I know I will just be disappointed when layer after layer is peeled.

I lost it. I trade living for reflecting and now reflecting is killing my beautiful innocence.

 

 

 

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