The pure intentions in my head and the actions I take are conflicting, creating an unbearable cognitive dissonance. Being honest with oneself is freaking hard, telling oneself to admit and accept the person one currently is to move on is unacceptable to the standards I set for myself. I want to be beautiful, generous, brave, open, meet the demands of various people. I want to have it all – a nice sister, a good daughter, a great considerate friend, a great stranger, while being creative, spontaneous and conquer places. I wanna be a supergirl. I want to be the female version of Cloud Strifle.
(Well, I could, if I had the ability to clone myself into 10 people, or 100 =)) ) Naruto can do that.
My actions are not in accordance and I refuse to admit it, feeling bitter. I cannot open my mouth to apologize anyone because it makes me feel weak. I am not who I want to be.
In that process of self denial, one also denies others. When I hate myself, I will inevitably hate others and squander the rapport that matters. It is purely a projection to the world.
I want to change the world but cannot even be honest with myself. How ironic. If I don’t fix it, I will have hallucinations soon (like the drug takers in Requiem for the Dream)
I can’t be everything to everyone but I also refuse to trade off. By refusing to trade off, I lose all. Now I have to act soon to save the relationships I destroyed in the process of trying-to-have-it-all.
And looking back, when I try to have it all, it is totally selfish. It is fed by building an image I wanna be proud of, without considering the facts and necessity or the motives.
If you die and I come to be a savior, it is because it feels good to be a savior, not because you matter to me just a little bit. This is so freaking crazy.
Can one have it all?
What is “all”?
Can you see the problem?
There is 23 “I” here, in this short expression.
It is a good period to study Freud, Carl Jung and the so-called “ego”.
I feel like I want to have a tattoo soon, a proof of existence burnt in this lump of meat before the tattoo itself loses its meaning.