The sand of affection

My roomates are packing to leave (again).

Feel so freaking hollow even though I never talked to any of them this time. My turn is coming soon. Like marching to hell. Constantly in 4 years straight, my life is full of people come and go. I cannot count. These roomates are no way special but they remind of my come-and-go affection. I accumulate affection just to see it slip through my hands like sand. Bit by bit, the sand is slipping through my fingers. With visual memory, my head flashes words and images of people like a movie.

A guy recently asked me in surprise when I shut down my emotions after our intimacy.

Are you a robot?

I remember I used to cry in a normal tour for some normal guests. A few years later, some people cry for me. Now, I rarely cry for anyone. Like a dam, I open my heart for it to flood all over then close the gate so nobody can hurt me anymore. Like a chapter of a book, I am willing to be vulnerable, get scars and move on like nothing happened.

How can I be a tour guide again? I don’t know. I don’t want to smile anymore. I don’t wanna even talk if the person does not trigger in me any curiosity (and I have met enough people that now only very special/ sensitive ones can trigger curiosity in me). To put in another way, I have learnt to adapt and protect myself by building a good defense mechanism.

Like an ADHD person, I went freaking crazy then turn cold as ice.

“May, I am leaving”
“See u in Vietnam”

No, we won’t. I will not see u again. I don’t want to. Let’s just get out of my life and leave me alone. Do not talk to me, or ask me anything. Do not promise anything.


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