Self-awareness

Sated

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I woke up feeling super empty then just took the bicycle to ride uphill. Push myself so hard to sweat it all out. I did it all – went to best places, discovered stories of many people from all walks of life, solved mysteries and broke illusions. No place can attract me and one can longer draw my attention. As if dumping face underwater and let wide eyes open for salty water to fill all coners and overwhelms oneself with uncertainty and lack of control. Sated curiosity exhausts me like a melted jelly. There is no sense, no directions, just messy pieces in an expressive painting of life.

Sometimes conversations with people came back to me like some random waves.
 **
“- This is my website“, she said. “Do send me an email & keep in touch“.
– “Yeah, definitely“, I told her, which I did not bother. I just turned around and that moment marked the forever separation.
**
– “I have this project. Let’s give me some ideas“.
Me – Yeah“. Actually, your project makes no sense to me.
***

It feels like the moment I went back to Sapa and get to Valley cafe just to be informed that my friend is dead in a ridicukous cable project. Sometimes I think of Ha, the curly hair mischievious girl from secondary school. A stupid classmate brought her on his back of a high speed motorbike and that night Ha was dead. We came to her house, gathering around her coffin. People cried, I did not, yet once in a while her image fleet across my mind, strikes me with a question “What if she were not dead, how would her life be? Will her life be interesting or boring? Meaningful? Meaningless? Absurb?”.

What if she were not dead, how would her life be? Would she feel what I feel? Why am I still here and that angel is not?“, I put the book back to my backpack, reached out of the speedboat window and immersed my face in that wild salty current, got soakingly wet and screamed out loud. People in the same speedboat got excited and cheered out. I turned back, hair wet with an incredibly bright radiant smile then laughed out loud like a stupid dog. They thought that I was estastically happy. No, I wasn’t. Exhausted and burnt out enthusiasm combined with high curiosity in sated state left me with nothing but an incredible apathy. Whatever, wherever, whomever, nothing really matters. Since nothing matters, I can do whatever I want, inluding charming people to piss them all off, building things up and destroy it in a moment of impulse, doing incredibly amazing things or stupid things. In that vast spectrum of new found freedom, I am alive.

Be warned that I will be wet and sick, I still rode in the rain and stayed still for hours. Like standing under a waterfall, it is a sated sensation of being conquered and exhausted with nothing left to feel. And though there is nothing left to feel, you still need to hover and move on. You spread your arms and lie down on the sand, waiting to be washed away while still love the raw feeling of that beach on your cheek. Until it washes you away.

Carry me. Or maybe we can sing for the moment.
(C’mon), sing with me, (sing), sing for the years
(Sing it), sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, (c’mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord’ll take you away…
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