I woke up feeling super empty then just took the bicycle to ride uphill. Push myself so hard to sweat it all out. I did it all – went to best places, discovered stories of many people from all walks of life, solved mysteries and broke illusions. No place can attract me and one can longer draw my attention. As if dumping face underwater and let wide eyes open for salty water to fill all coners and overwhelms oneself with uncertainty and lack of control. Sated curiosity exhausts me like a melted jelly. There is no sense, no directions, just messy pieces in an expressive painting of life.
It feels like the moment I went back to Sapa and get to Valley cafe just to be informed that my friend is dead in a ridicukous cable project. Sometimes I think of Ha, the curly hair mischievious girl from secondary school. A stupid classmate brought her on his back of a high speed motorbike and that night Ha was dead. We came to her house, gathering around her coffin. People cried, I did not, yet once in a while her image fleet across my mind, strikes me with a question “What if she were not dead, how would her life be? Will her life be interesting or boring? Meaningful? Meaningless? Absurb?”.
Be warned that I will be wet and sick, I still rode in the rain and stayed still for hours. Like standing under a waterfall, it is a sated sensation of being conquered and exhausted with nothing left to feel. And though there is nothing left to feel, you still need to hover and move on. You spread your arms and lie down on the sand, waiting to be washed away while still love the raw feeling of that beach on your cheek. Until it washes you away.
(C’mon), sing with me, (sing), sing for the years
(Sing it), sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, (c’mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord’ll take you away…