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The puzzle of commitment

In a short time, I have been involved in different projects in which there is very little clue about my role in the big picture. Stepping from a state of emotion saturation, people say “Hi, let’s do this” and I cannot keep saying NO then doing nothing anymore. I need to step out of mental paralysis. Driven more by curiosity than purpose, my main goal is to satisfy the curiosity of how things turn out, how people create something from nothing. I don’t really care what that thing is. Out of many things that none matters to me, I still need to pick a random one to get in the game.

In the ideal scenario, a person will be pulled by an internal drive formed by 3 factors – autonomy, mastery and purpose. You feel a momentum doing something you are good at with enough flexibility to manage yourself, something that more or less matters. The ratio of these factors may not necessarily be as even as 3 neat pieces of pie.

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When I lack purpose, I have to ask myself – Do I like people I work with? Do I enjoy the place I stay? Instead of looking for a perfect ultimate meaning which may never come, one gotta find smaller motivation in small things or perks to be grateful about.

People want solid commitment. How long are you gonna stay here? And with that they need an immediate answer. They are ready to dive in water with 100% certainty and commitment, while I am just an observer who soaks one foot in and one foot out. Like peeling different layers of an onion, I get to the core to realize the core is no different from the exterior.

People ask how much do you want? I don’t know since I am not sure how much I am willing to put in. People throw a lump of money in front of you and you are set. Now, do it, since you take my money already. You are already in debt. The relationship between a worker and money is one full of lust and pain.

So I end up working with people whose higher motivation that me in everything. They set up some business plans which I can read. When I read that business plan, my reaction was looking up this part right away.

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Yet, knowing clearly that planning is just guessing, there must be the willing to dive in and embrace the uncertainties which revolve around it. Business Plan or any kind of “Master Plan” is often built up to predict future while information is lacked and many criteria is not included, which can only be seen in retrospection.

And it is okay. It is okay to have no grand purpose or passion. It is okay to step in something being totally aware that it will change.

Wait a minute, is it really okay? In the process of finding resolution, I am faced with even more questions.

 

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