Rymth game

Broken blues

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A broken soul
A beating heart
Singing blues

***

Ripping heart 

(Until I think of a better title =)) )

Rip a heart into million pieces
Then glue it again.
A destructive agent
Hurt to prove a point.
Or to prove nothing.

**

A weary actress

Trying so hard to not think
Rocket beams of thoughts
Sink.
No more time to sleep
Wide eyes are open.
U are awake.
Where to find energy
For a burdened heart?
I am an actress
Who refuses to act
But audience are waiting.
And there is no way to escape

**

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The sand of affection

My roomates are packing to leave (again).

Feel so freaking hollow even though I never talked to any of them this time. My turn is coming soon. Like marching to hell. Constantly in 4 years straight, my life is full of people come and go. I cannot count. These roomates are no way special but they remind of my come-and-go affection. I accumulate affection just to see it slip through my hands like sand. Bit by bit, the sand is slipping through my fingers. With visual memory, my head flashes words and images of people like a movie.

A guy recently asked me in surprise when I shut down my emotions after our intimacy.

Are you a robot?

I remember I used to cry in a normal tour for some normal guests. A few years later, some people cry for me. Now, I rarely cry for anyone. Like a dam, I open my heart for it to flood all over then close the gate so nobody can hurt me anymore. Like a chapter of a book, I am willing to be vulnerable, get scars and move on like nothing happened.

How can I be a tour guide again? I don’t know. I don’t want to smile anymore. I don’t wanna even talk if the person does not trigger in me any curiosity (and I have met enough people that now only very special/ sensitive ones can trigger curiosity in me). To put in another way, I have learnt to adapt and protect myself by building a good defense mechanism.

Like an ADHD person, I went freaking crazy then turn cold as ice.

“May, I am leaving”
“Okay”
“See u in Vietnam”
“Okay”

No, we won’t. I will not see u again. I don’t want to. Let’s just get out of my life and leave me alone. Do not talk to me, or ask me anything. Do not promise anything.

Lust

That feeling surged again. In Kuang Xi- a waterfall full of people in Laos, I soak myself in cold running water and after around 20 minutes, I stared at him.

Him here is a random person standing around 10 meters away from me. Muscular, tanned, tall and tattooed, with a small beard and looking at me almost at the same time. My heart started to beat fast.

Almost immediately my head is vividly filled with the image of that stranger pulling me closer and us making out under water, behind and in front of arrays of wild trees in the area while resisting the strong water current flowing towards. In public and passionately.

We will breath hard, tongues twisted, excited by the overwhelming chemistry and an immense guilty inappropriate feeling when all other swimmers stopped to point and gossip at the wild scene in front of them just to be turned on at the same time. In seconds, every freaking one of them will be itchy and about to turn into vampire.

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The thing is…it did not happen, yet the visualization was so vivid that the aura around us changed forever. Right there, at that waterfall, I can smell and touch that strong sensation.

I am losing grip babe. I am losing my poise.

In mainstream psychology, lust is defined as such

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Aside from the surface pleasure that lust triggers, I deeply believe there is correlation between lust and vulnerability. I have never felt such an immense level of vulnerability in my life recently, and the desire for attention/ connection increases with the same rate.

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After writing for 30 minutes, the receptionist came behind my back and when I turned around, I can felt that look again. I better not disturb her, I think and sigh.

” What are you writing?

-I am writing about yesterday. I went to a waterfall and wanted to kiss every freaking person there.

-Ha ha, really?

-Yeah, maybe it is hormone, haiz.

-It happens to me too, ha ha.

-What? Really?

-Yeah, sometimes when customers come in, it took me some minutes to be calm and professional =))

– So you can control it. I can’t. Damn.

Where will this lead and for how long? Is it purely biological or psychological? Let’s see. Maybe you can let me know.

When Avril loses her grip, she can fall over her fans and the audience will take her with all they have. When I lose my grip, hmm, when I lose my grip, maybe I will come and find you and kiss you, right there.

Y.O.U (Why. Opressing.Us)

Love to fill a void?

“I miss you”
“Really? Prove it”
“I think about you all the time, when I feel lonely”
“I think you don’t miss me, you are having a void to fill”

**
“I love you, but I don’t fall in love with you”
**
“Out of sight, out of mind”
If you say so, I won’t have a chance

**

“I have to go”
“Why so early?”
“I have to go at a certain point anyway, so why not now?”
**

Sometimes I think love is like filling a void. When you are vulnerable, you tend to fall in love more easily, hoping the void disappears. And sometimes you create an illusion, label it love, to fulfill the missing pieces in life.

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Law of attraction: be yourself

Do you know why guitarists or photographers can attract a lot of girls?

They seem to be self-assured, whether being true or not. The fact is those same guitarists or photographers may be assholes or just super boring people once stepping out of their expertise.

The are attractive because they have a specific taste.

They look attractive when being totally immersed and got carried away in their performance.

I have always been attracted by people who seem weird or different.

Actually, most of us probably do. They vary vastly in appearance, gender, career, hobbies. Some are in their 20s, some 30s, some 60s. Some look highly fashionable and outstanding, some just look boring and plain. Some are health maniacs, some smoke and drink like  alcoholics. Some are contended being in their little corner the whole life, some must conquer the world to be fulfilled.

Those people can be successful or not if examined by social standards, and yet they don’t care. Social acceptance and appreciation, though essential, still rank secondary below personal compass.

The common trait: all are self-assured, modest yet confident. All have some personal values to live in accordance. They don’t live their lives trying to prove anything to anyone, and still, super satisfied in their own way.

They say “No” ruthlessly to most of things, because there is a deeper “yes” burning inside.

So in the end, it’s not the lifestyle that make them attractive. It’s not being rebellious (aka trying to be different) either.

When you have your own stand and willing to protect it, you are simply irresistible.